i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
