the condom got lost in my hair
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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