She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
