this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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