what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
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