hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
