two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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