I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
