Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
