DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
