my shit smells like andre
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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