I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
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I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
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The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.