Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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