Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
