There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
