Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you inspire me to be a worse person
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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