Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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