just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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