I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
