I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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