i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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