I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
