look no pants
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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