I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
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Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
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I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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