and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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