Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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