I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
