We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
