OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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