My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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