If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just had sex on a roof
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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