I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
