there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
