Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
