I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
