My boss' voice literally gives me gas
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
