i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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