Just cropdusted the office
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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