I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
