He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
