he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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