I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
