Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
