Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
