I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
