Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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