You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
