you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
is wine microwaveable?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
