I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
