period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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