She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
