You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
