If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.