We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon