you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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