After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
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I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
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Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from