swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
