omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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