My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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