I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Girls should come with a carfax report
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
