So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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