Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
