So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
